Reviewed by [Reviewed-by]
Rock Goddess – This Time
Bite You To Death Records
Release Date 01/03/2019
Running Time: 37:07
Review by ‘Dark Juan’
Oh, god. It hurts to write this. It hurts so much. I never thought I would hear myself say this. Rock Goddess have released a poor record. I’m not even going to fly off into my usual realms of fantasy. It hurts because I love Rock Goddess and have done for thirty years and I have been hopelessly in love with Jody and Julie Turner for all that time. They were a formative influence on this hellpriest when I was a mere neophyte and for that I have them to thank for my love of the heavy metal ladies who show the men what true ballsiness is like…
I am genuinely sad. Rock Goddess appear to have not evolved beyond 1984 in sound. Jody’s vocal is forced, and the music would not be out of place in the classic rock room of the much lamented and missed Jilly’s Rockworld in Manchester, may it rest in peace. The music is ultra-Trad Metal, all big harmonies, mid-tempo and lyrics of sometimes absolute banality – the best tune on the record is ‘Calling To Space’ and there is an abundance of nonsense lyrically on it. And the chorus on ‘This Time’… “This time, this place, nothing has changed…” is disturbingly accurate as a description of the music on offer here. Oh, I hate myself so much right now. Being critical of Rock Goddess is like kicking hundreds of kittens and puppies with hobnailed boots, such is my regard for them and their undeniable legacy of brilliance. Here’s another example of the lyrical content on display, “In your car, we go far, we can be you and me. Just us, in lust…” This is from ‘Drive Me Away’, the album closer, a sodding rock ballad that perpetuates the very worst of the horror that metal is sometimes guilty of… I suppose it doesn’t help that I fucking CAN’T STAND BALLADS! It is all turgid and banal lyrics, terrible wailing guitar solo and sheer awfulness from start to finish, complete with fade out with Jody howling, “Drive me away-ay” ad infinitum…
The disappointment doesn’t end there. Last track on the record is a radio friendly edit of the opening song ‘Are You Ready’. So, you get to “enjoy” the opening record with some lyrics blocked out. Arsebiscuits. The song was about as offensive as gardening anyway. Blocking out the word shit and putting on the opening song as the closer is more than a little disingenuous. I don’t like the production on the record either, come to that. It is far too bass heavy and this is a shame because Jody has some serious chops and can peel off a withering, incendiary guitar solo. The guitar sound itself is excellent, sharp, biting and pointy and I will never say a bad thing about the drumming skills of Julie Turner. But this record is a scandalous waste of the talents of these ladies. The best thing I can say about it is that some of the songs will be absolutely magnificent chant-a-longs in the live setting, but as a recorded work it is so disappointing I want to cry bitter tears of regret and sorrow, because a band I revere has disappeared up its own arse. Please, PLEASE, ladies, set me right on your next record because this is just too painful for words. I’m going for a lie down.
I’d love to say don’t waste your money on this, but I just can’t bring myself to do it because I love Rock Goddess so much. Ok, Dark Juan, diplomacy. You’re good at that – ha ha ha ha ha no I’m not, I’m a complete and total bastard, but this bastard wants Rock Goddess to survive so we can all get an absolute banger of a record next time. Buy at your peril, unless you are a fan of metal in the Eighties and you haven’t got beyond that. If that’s the case, you’ll probably love it.
I don’t. And that hurts.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System is sorely disappointed, crying into its beer and wondering whether it is possible to exterminate every single other band on the planet so we only have Rock Goddess left. Apparently it is unfeasible so they are awarded a decidedly not groovy 4/10. I hate myself so bad.
01. Are You Ready? (No. Not anymore. Do you realise how much devilment and subverting of the Catholic Church I’ll have to do to make myself feel better?)
02. Obsession (With the Eighties, yeah)
03. Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right (Depends on the wrongs you are doing in my view…)
04. Calling To Space (Banging tune, shite lyrics.)
05. Flying To See You (I’ll be happy to see you as long as you leave your sodding guitar at home…)
05. Why Do We Never Learn (Argh, a pertinent question indeed, considering this album.)
06. This Time (I’m running away and listening to David Lee Roth’s “Skyscraper” rather than this record.)
07. It’s My Turn (To put down the instruments and regroup. Yes, yes it is!)
08. Drive Me Away (ay, ay, ay, ay, ay)
09. Are You Ready? Radio Edit (Otherwise known as an utterly pointless exercise and an excuse to bulk out the record with exactly the same tune as the opener with one episode of the word shit dubbed out. Cynical in the extreme.)
Jody Turner – Lead Guitar & Lead Vocals
Julie Turner – Drums & Backing vocals
Jenny Lane – Bass Guitar & Backing vocals
Tweets by RockGoddessOff1
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of [user_login] and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.