The Roast Of Lisa Mann

The Roast Of Lisa Mann
Roasted by Dark Juan

Greetings and salutations, dear friends. Today I am here to write about a woman, her solo project and the band she has joined. Lisa Mann is a blues bassist who likes to show off by playing a six-string bass and making it look effortless, even though she is the size of, and also has the hands of a pre-pubescent child and who has turned to metal in an effort to stem the all-pervading misery and incipient depression that comes from playing the blues for most of your adult life. She is frankly a multi-talented musician and this makes her deeply irritating to Dark Juan because he hasn’t even mastered the flesh trombone, let alone any other instrument.

Thankfully having avoided the 27 Club which is an achievement for anyone who has been involved with the blues for more than FIFTEEN SECONDS, Lisa released “The Poisoner” by White Crone a year or two ago, and promptly released a video for the title track of that album in which she immediately had her poor old dad murdered. Among others. Which shows you just how FUCKING EVIL she is really after everything he has done for her.  She didn’t even off him herself and instead outsourced it, probably in order to establish an airtight alibi, although perhaps then WRITING A FUCKING SONG ABOUT THE HITMAN YOU HAVE JUST ENGAGED AND WHO HAS JUST CARRIED OUT A PATRICIDAL MURDER ON YOUR ORDERS is a very poorly though out bit of plausible deniability. Even more annoyingly, it was a superb album indeed and proved that Lisa is a very good guitar player as well as a bassist. There is no need for this. Mere mortals cannot hope to compete. She also, in her guise as White Crone (she says it’s because she’s white and no longer a young lady. I say shut up and age is no barrier to ability. Unless you’re expecting to embark on a Formula One career aged 65. You know, she will probably fucking do that as well before she’s finished reminding me how crushingly inadequate I am) even managed to cover Rainbow’s “Stargazer”. This is an anthem that is sacrosanct, yet she went and bloody did it anyway. And it was good. Honestly, the woman has no respect at all…

Don’t get me started on her singing voice. She is fast cementing a reputation as metal’s newest and brassiest barrel-lunged chanteuse and quite where the trad-metal, full-on alto comes from is a source of constant wonder as Lisa Mann is about the same size as Lisa Simpson and looks like she weighs half as much as a wet dishcloth. Seriously, the woman’s bass is literally the same height as her. Her hair alone accounts for three inches of height and 17% of body weight. You could swallow her whole without the aid of a glass of water. There should not be the lung capacity or the power, which leads me to believe that she is a) an evil powerful witch and channelling the spirits of the dead to fuel her own nefarious grandeur, b) gets someone else to do it and keeps them quiet because she has kidnapped their children and family dog and threatens violence upon them every time she needs vocals doing (this makes her, in the fevered pool of liquid cess that operates as Dark Juan’s mind, a dab hand with a whip, and power tools and using bass strings for purposes other than for which they were designed, perhaps as artfully constructed torture devices. I wish I wasn’t so wrong in the brainbox), c) possibly some kind of immortal elf and d) makes my own miserable and untalented existence pointless.

Anyway, this most egregious of multi-talented performers only went and joined ANOTHER fucking band because being good at the blues, the bass, singing, playing guitar and doing an album by yourself clearly isn’t enough to fuel her rampant and rampaging ego. Henceforth she is now the lead singer of Splintered Throne and can now state that Devin Townsend is a bit of a talentless twat because he hasn’t done as many things as she has. He hasn’t poisoned his father on video and got cleanly away with it, has he? Splintered Throne are a trad-metal band composed of four other very good musicians who probably struggle to get a word in edgeways as the ultra-hyper Mann gabbles ideas at ten miles a minute at them and pinballs off every wall in the room whilst simultaneously trying to avoid her own capture by Gargamel so she can be returned to the rest of The Smurfs. Presumably for the safety of the world at large. The bass player in Splintered Throne is possibly the most redundant band member ever considering Lisa Mann is in the band considering she would probably just do a Billy Sheehan and play two basses at the same time while singing and using her left foot to write a new song. I can just see her racing around the studio, sneering like Vincent Price with an armful of cats snatching at everyone else’s instruments and just doing all the parts herself and glaring at the other guys in the band cowering in the corner away from the flashing rage in her eyes as she rages and froths and exudes an implicit sense of impending violence because THEIR BITS WERE NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH!!!! And, because I have a particularly fertile imagination, I can see her slowly absorbing the rest of Splintered Throne and it becoming another solo project and then she finds another band and the same happens again, as Lisa works her way through the world of metal until there is only her left, like the entropic death of the universe into a giant quantum singularity, there will only be Lisa Mann left, cackling maniacally, viciously using her bass as a clubbing weapon on any young band that sounds like they might be trying to start a metal career, because there is no longer metal, there is only the Empress, the Bassqueen Lisa Mann.

I should point out that Splintered Throne’s latest album is also, really fucking annoyingly, very good indeed.

In short, this colonial, hyperactive metal elf might actually be the most annoying creature to walk the earth, especially because she will probably read this and say “Thank you” in a charming fashion whilst simultaneously dispatching The Poisoner to make sure I don’t pen any more vitriol about her.

This isn’t hero worship. This is self-loathing and naked envy talking. 

So yeah, Lisa Mann. Celluloid paternal murderer, possible evil witch and kidnapper of family pets, insanely overactive otherkin, desecrator of “Stargazer”, musically promiscuous and dictator of other people’s bands and single handed destroyer thereof, and Empress of Metal.

Megalomaniac.

In reality, Lisa Mann is a charming and lovely person and one of the true defenders of the faith, a friend of Ever-Metal.com, a personal friend of Dark Juan and a very versatile, talented musician and lyricist indeed. And her father has not actually succumbed to the ministrations of a shadowy assassin. And I extend my thanks to her for allowing me to have a good-humoured bash at her!

I can’t even have a bass-related pop at her in the vein of Rob Sutton and his roasts because Lisa is Queen of the Bass. 

Fuck.

Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.