Anthea – Tales Untold
Anthea – Tales Untold
Rockshots Records
Release Date: 26/08/22
Running Time: 45:15
Review by Dark Juan
6/10
Hello, my dear friends. It is I, Dark Juan and I have just recovered from a two-day hangover caused by entertaining two of my friends from Her Majesty’s American Colonies (these august gentlemen being Mike Antipathy and NoHandsDan. NoHandsDan is named this because he actually has no hands, but can’t half pack away the ale. He is also from Arizona and was complaining about the heat. In Yorkshire. This might have raised a giggle from myself and Mrs Dark Juan. We also informed him what a fanny actually is. Anyway, both of them, due to the homebrew concocted by your faithful correspondent and subsequent hangover, went to Blackpool ON THE WRONG TRAIN) with my now internationally famous Yorkshire homebrew. The fallout was disastrous. Dead bodies everywhere… Best of all, the Septics got to enjoy a two-day Punk festival in Blackpool with massive hangovers.
My work was a grand success…
I have raised myself from my bed of pain to write these words fuelled by tea and cucumber sandwiches because I have just painted the hall of Dark Juan Terrace and listening to LA-based Anthea’s sophomore album is my reward for working hard. Let us discover together whether I should have made a start on the bathroom instead of listening to this album!
The record opens with ‘Tales Untold’ and the immediate thing that hits you is the absolute wall of sound production, not unlike a Phil Spector job where everything has been stuck on full and left there while the producer nipped out for a fag and never came back. However, the band are somewhat… uninspiring. Symphonic Power Metal should be pompous, overblown, unapologetic and orchestral – see Schysma for what it should be. It should be bat-shit demented, hovering on the razors edge of good taste, silliness and absolute ridicule and should never take itself too seriously. Anthea appear to be a tremendously serious band, and that is to their detriment.
The tunes are good, though, the musicians are all absolutely fucking top-notch players and the arrangements dense and complex (the Eastern touch of the keyboards on ‘Sapiens’ is particularly satisfying) and for all the production resembles a massive road train with failed brakes bearing down on you it never overwhelms the listener, although while I’m having a moan the cymbals are far too far back in the mix, the bass too far forward and the keyboards vie with the guitars for supremacy rather than complementing each other, especially on power ballad ‘Memoriam’ (FUCKING POWER BALLADS!!! IF I WANTED FUCKING POWER BALLADS I’D BE LISTENING TO SIMON AND FUCKING GARFUNKEL! I HATE POWER BALLADS MORE THAN I HATE TORIES AND I REALLY, REALLY FUCKING DESPISE TORIES!). And this song neatly demonstrates the limitations of singer Diego Valadez. He doesn’t manage to create the soaring, skyrocket quality of vocal that this music requires and the scratchy, Metalcore growl that guitarist Juan Pina employs (‘Looking Glass’ among others) also detracts from the music, which is a strange and unusual amalgam of Thrash and Power Metal. Valadez suffers the same problem that Blaze Bayley did when fronting Iron Maiden – he’s too limited a vocalist. Don’t get me wrong, he’s perfectly fucking competent and very listenable just like the Midlands bruiser Bayley, but he can’t reach those glorious, sunlit highs and his voice sounds stretched and forced when he’s trying to break out of his mid-range.
Influence-wise, there’s a rather large and obvious nod to “Century Child” era Nightwish, all tinkling ivories or colossal keyboards swirling and soaring around heavily-produced guitars and multiple breaks per song which gives the music a sort of cinematic quality, as they could easily be incorporated into scenes of battle or travail in a fantasy movie. This story-telling element is one of the big pluses of this album. The musical arrangements are very well thought out and executed and the lyrics interesting. I just wish they would make their mind up as to whether they want to be Nightwish or At The Gates though, because the guttural Melodeath vocals really detract from the music, ‘Sunder Heart’ really suffering from them, especially as it is one of the more expansive-sounding songs on the record. You’re either a Power Metal band or you’re not. There’s a lot of vocal overdubs on this record as well, and they are rather obvious too. Other influences Dark Juan can hear include Wintersun, Within Temptation and DragonForce without the lunatic idiocy and desire to make a guitar sound like a Nintendo 64.
Album closer ‘In Time’ is unintentionally hilarious, as Anthea channel their inner Phil Collins and Dire Straits on the intro before breaking into an absolutely cracking, lighter waving, stadium filling hair Metal anthem that sounds like it was released in about 1988. Anthea should have been supporting Bon Jovi on the “Slippery When Wet” tour playing MegaDomes across America with this tune. Arguably it’s the best tune on the record because it is just a truly joyous thing to listen to and behold. This is the style Anthea should be playing. It’s a fucking brilliant anthem that suits Valadez’s voice admirably and the band appear to be supremely comfortable playing it. It’s a fucking crying shame I had to wait for the last song before the band opened up the taps properly and played a song that didn’t sound forced or was overcompensating wildly… It’s a bit of a shame it’s not their song and a cover version, really.
To conclude then – this is one of those particularly annoying albums that could have been absolutely fucking amazing, and has all the right ingredients, but somehow misses the target. Most of the blame needs to be laid at the door of the singer for this, as he lacks the vocal range to hit massive high notes. When singing in his comfort zone, though, he can be truly phenomenal as demonstrated by the last song on the album. His comfort zone is not balls to the wall outlandish Power Metal though. The band’s sound, which is huge but by no means unique, is somewhat stuck in the early 2000’s and relies too much on Nightwish as an influence to allow Anthea’s compositions to breathe.
Merely adequate and ultimately forgettable apart from the last song.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System awards Anthea 6/10 for a run of the mill effort that pokes its head above the parapet of greatness once. And I managed to get through this entire review without mentioning British TV personality and grin-monster Anthea Turner once. She was absolutely fucking everywhere on UK TV and radio once. A bottle-blonde, ever-present, teeth-bared rictus underneath dead, empty eyes, leering dementedly out of your early evening television.
TRACKLISTING:
01. Tales Untold
02. Ascendence
03. Song for Winter
04. The Deceiver
05. Sapiens
06. Memoriam
07. Looking Glass
08. Empyrean
09. Sunder Heart
10. In Time
LINE-UP:
Diego Valadez – Vocals/Keys
Juan Pina – Guitar/Screams
Marcos Mejia – Guitar
Eric Guerrero – Bass
Peter Vasquez – Drums
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.
