Dire Thorns – Call Me Nothing

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Dire Thorns – Call Me Nothing
Roasted by Rob Sutton 

Grimsby is known for a few things (well, mainly fishing) but not so much for metal bands, so with Dire Thorns wanting to submit themselves for a roast, I was only too happy to oblige. Now first off, let’s start by mentioning that these guys are very, very young. In fact so much so that I’m writing this at 8pm which is way past their bedtime. This should mean that they would be able to bring something a little new to the table right? Wrong! Can you remember those early 00’s days of Nu-Metal where everything sounded raw and tinny? Well imagine that but instead have the recording done in Mummy and Daddy’s garage. Jesus I thought black metal was rough. Still, at least they saved up enough pocket money to buy instruments… Well mostly, I am pretty sure the snare is just a bin lid. 

So onto the actual song and vocally, it is impressive that someone who has only just been potty trained can actually metal growl, there is a huge amount of reverb on the voice. I think it’s a very empty garage, I hope their parents haven’t sold everything in expectation that these guys’ music careers take off. The guitar work is also impressive with some fairly decent riffs being played – I say decent because I don’t want to offend anyone in the special Ed music class. Also the video itself is of a hugely high standard, mixing live performances, recorded clips and other bits of animation. Impressive for Windows movie maker! Honestly though I just can’t get over the quality of the recording, it sounds worse than me shitting after a night on the Newcastle brown Ale. I’d rather die is the perfect phrase from the song that actually fits. Ahhh fuck nope, can’t take it anymore… done.

Bass bit… pretty sure he is twanging an elastic band!

Disclaimer: None of the above represents my true feelings about Dire Thorns and they are in fact an incredibly talented young band that have a massive amount of potential! Yeah, you know what’s coming, budget garage band recorded, bin lid using, Slipknot wannabe high school shit!


Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Rob Sutton and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.