The Roast of Nik NXK

Nik NXK – Burnout
Roasted by Dark Juan

The opening (I should correct myself here – the first coherent line. Before this discernible syllabification he was just babbling like a toddler) line of Nik NXK’s ‘Burnout’ single is “I don’t think I’m OK.” I agree. The man’s fucking madder than a pack of rabid hunting hounds in full cry. He indulges in a style of music called Trap Metal, which Dark Juan confidently predicts will have a shorter existence than an early 2000’s dotcom company. Trap Metal is everything that is terrible about Rap mixed with everything that is terrible about Dance music with added Metal guitars, which to be frank are the only good bits of the entire sorry ensemble. 

What I am basically trying to say is that some King Cnut in a studio office somewhere thought it would be a good idea to mix the shittier side of Urban Pop music (as in bunch of whining shitbag mandem thinking they are hard roadmen, because they got arrested once and therefore will wear stupid fucking balaclavas and puffer jackets to disguise their malnourished, spavined, acne-ridden teenage faces and their pipe-cleaner arms. Oh and smoking drugs. All the weed. I even saw a video of a bunch of them wearing sunglasses over their balaclavas. In London. At night. Only The Lord My God Andrew Eldritch and Corey Hart can get away with that. And the music is just said muppets complaining that no-one understands them apart from their fam, that they are all hard as fuck gangsters and that they are apparently going to be quite busy stabbing everyone up… Fuck me, it’s duller than ditchwater and less intelligent than Blue fucking Peter. It’s about as threatening as Blue fucking Peter too… That John Noakes was a right dodgy bastard with his right hook. I’ve seen harder schoolgirls. In fact, two stillettoed and mini-dressed lasses from Gateshead could fuck up the whole sorry lot of them by themselves and still have time for pizza and Lambrini) with the righteous power of Metal. Then they even managed to get some absolute fucking dickheads to record some of it.

Which leads us neatly on to Nik NXK. 

On the cover of the ‘Burnout’ single we appear to have the same problem as the balaclava brandishing cunts. Nik NXK obscures his boatrace with a mask and has some bling drip on, famalam. The cover is only short of a hired Bentley with some supposedly badass roadmen standing near it and waving their stupid fucking hands about. Why do they all fucking wear gloves? It’s not as if they can be identified by fingerprint off of a fucking video is it, the dozy shitbiscuits. 

He almost redeems his scrawny ass by having a rather pleasing roar, not unlike Mushroomhead’s J Mann, but then ruins himself and employs it on a tune that is about as heavy as a shit I have had after a nutritious lunch composed entirely of liquids. I’m surprised he didn’t break out some old-school beats for the rap section, which is burbled, bawled and farted (it sounds like) through at such speed it is rendered unintelligible, and it just sounds like the man(dem) is having a really, REALLY challenging visit to the little boy’s room. Or some pipes vigorously unblocking themselves. Or he’s fucking his first cousin and racing towards the vinegar stroke. I’m not sure which is more likely but I’m angling towards the incest…

The next offering to which I am forced to give my attention is ‘Industry’, which proves that Nik NXK is a true Trap artist insofar as the first thing he does is start fucking complaining about the industry THAT HE IS ACTUALLY FUCKING INVOLVED IN over distorted 909 kick drums. This is a staggering display of biting the hand that feeds you and the entire song is basically Nik NXK crying that he doesn’t want to do anything to do with the industry (I am assuming he is on about the music industry at this point), but this is thankfully easily solved. Go and get a fucking job at Aldi, you wheedling twatmonkey, and then you don’t have to concern yourself with the industry, do you? Dark Juan offers solutions, not problems, but then young Nik wouldn’t have anything to complain about on record, would he? 

Anyway, Nik roars, burbles, whines, complains and has girly hissy fits for a whole two minutes and ten seconds and then thankfully shuts the fuck up again, probably because he’s just found out his cousin is pregnant and it’s a tossup between him and Drayvon down the road as to who the father is. Gang signs are thrown and there’s a lot of fucking frankly camp posturing and preening and waving their little matchstick arms about threatening to “Stab you and your dog up, fam” and lots of calling each other “bitches” and “wannabe roadmen”. My eyes have rolled so far back in my head I now know what the base of my brain looks like from the fucking inside. Nik NXK’s panties are in such a bunch the poor, misguided fucker has given himself a self-inflicted nuclear wedgie and now he’s angry about it.

And now, dear friends, we are on to the third “song” that has been sent for my delectation. It is entitled ‘Isolation’ and to be fair it basically sounds like one of Korn’s less amusing offerings. Nik NXK roars about a lot of fucking nonsense (I can’t understand a fucking thing the boy says) and intersperses this with some grumbling about the state of the floor (get good quality laminates then, you cheapskate twatwizzle, instead of cheap vinyl flooring), shouts “FUCK!” and then the whole thing comes to a shuddering, unfinished halt after a mere one minute and forty-one seconds, thereby proving that Nik NXK is a two pumps and a squirt kinda guy, to the undoubted relief of young ladies everywhere as they now know who to avoid on a night out. Apart from his cousin whose pregnancy is now showing and is panicking because Drayvon is enjoying a spell at Her Majesty’s Pleasure (excuse me, HIS Majesty’s Pleasure) and she needs someone to pay the rent while he’s inside being introduced to Big Dave in the showers. In short, Nik NXK’s music is as satisfying to the Metal fan as doing an almighty technicolour yawn in the middle of a party all over the super-hot member of the company you were hoping to bump uglies with, with added diarrhoea running down your left leg thrown in for good measure.

I’m bored of this gibbering, snorting load of foetid, midden-like codswallop now. I’ve written a thousand words about it which is nine hundred and ninety-nine too many, and it feels like my IQ has dropped at least a hundred points, which now leaves me in minus figures which frankly is not doing anything for my self-esteem. I’m going for a bath in some bleach to cleanse myself of the taint of having listened to Nik NXK’s Trap Metal. 

Fucking travesty, it is. Nearly as bad as Sam Astaroth. Jesus, now I know of two of them. Will the horror ever end? Will Nik NXK ever find out if the child of his cousin is his or Drayvon’s? Will Drayvon attempt to save the honour of Nik’s cousin by having an urban duel and battle-rapping with him? Will anyone give a flying fuck? Tune in soon for the next instalment of why someone should never volunteer to be roasted by Dark Juan.


Time for a little bit of housekeeping, boys and girls and humans of all other genders, or lack of them. Nik NXK (otherwise known as Nik Nocturnal) is absolutely barmy, and actually volunteered for this to happen to him, for which I salute him mightily. He also said I could be as nasty as I wanted to be, but I didn’t want to introduce him to the concept of the chainsaw buttfuck or the colon clutch. Because he’d only end up writing songs about them. I also, on behalf of myself and the whole team, wish to thank him for taking part in what is a good-humoured, if entirely disrespectful, roast.

Dark Juan wishes it to be known here that he actually really enjoyed the uncompromising savagery of Nik’s music, which takes Metal to new and unexplored dimensions and you should all know that Dark Juan is an intrepid listener and is all about discovering new music in any form, be it Metal or otherwise, and thanks Nik NXK/ Nocturnal for the chance to hear his music, which is staggeringly well produced and of considerable interest for anyone with broad enough tastes that encompass the unusual and abstruse. So, thank you, Nik. This was fun. Also, but say this quietly because this could seriously harm my metal cred – I’m a fan, mate 😉


Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.