Protosequence – Bestiary
Protosequence – Bestiary
Lacerated Enemy Records
Release Date: 05/04/24
Running Time: 32:14
Review by Dark Juan
All of the numbers there have ever been/10
Dark Juan is my name and I write about music. Sometimes, anyway. One of the great pleasures of the work I do for the glory of the One True Path (even though I am frequently found to be wandering obscure musical hinterlands miles away from it) is when you form connections and friendships around the world with people vastly more talented and handsome/ beautiful than yourself. Such is the case with Protosequence, being a gaggle of obscenely talented Canadians who absolutely destroyed Dark Juan’s cognition and spine with an EP called “A Blunt Description Of Something Obscene” three and a bit years ago. This is the link in case you wish to refresh yourself with the initial thoughts Dark Juan had about Protosequence – https://www.ever-metal.com/2020/07/30/protosequence-a-blunt-description-of-something-obscene-ep/. Dark Juan was… somewhat priapic after listening to that record, and even after three years plus that EP is still recommended listening for Dark Juan.
Imagine the level of excitement, then, in Crow Cottage, when Dylan Parker (guitar/vocals) got in touch earlier in 2024 and told Dark Juan that Protosequence had recorded an album. Immediately, the authorities in West Yorkshire went on high alert for county-wide catastrophe after the massive sex-wee flooding that happened last time. Entire towns were lost (but not Bradford, unfortunately) in the last unpleasantness. With scant disregard for the welfare of the good burghers of West Yorkshire, Dylan offered Dark Juan an exclusive advance copy of their new album for his delectation and possibly a review, thank you please? Dark Juan daintily thanked Dylan, daintily thanking in Dark Juan’s world being snatching the opportunity that hard and fast that Dylan now requires major surgery for the fact his entire arm got torn off and Dark Juan once more has to tiresomely attend a court AGAIN for crimes against humanity. However, it is worth it because Dark Juan now has, clasped in his sweaty, slippery, and VERY excited hands the debut long player from Protosequence, entitled “Bestiary”. I wrote this in early February, and the record isn’t out until April, but I cannot contain my excitement any longer and have been squirming in my seat worse than a teenage girl on her first proper date. Let us fire up the Platter Of Splatter ™ before something truly unspeakable happens…
Too late.
Oh dear.
That’s not good.
I have inadvertently caused devastation over a wide area again. Hebden Bridge has been lost, my trousers are completely ruined, and I am facing the Halifax Gibbet for what has happened. There has been a colossal and uncontrollable sex-wee explosion because of Protosequence again. There are mobs with flaming torches outside Crow Cottage and Mrs Dark Juan has left me to go to the Scottish Highlands because there’s mountains there and she doesn’t need a boat and will only return if I don’t listen to Protosequence anymore because she can’t put up with having to get in a dinghy with a paddle to go to the supermarket.
I care not for these things because I am transported in an endless wave of hyper-complex Technical Death Metal right now. Protosequence play music that operates in its own continuum. At velocities that threaten the very fabric of space/time. How it is possible for people to play instruments so adroitly when I can’t even make my fat-ass fingers work properly when I type I simply cannot fathom. And it isn’t just all chromatic patterns like classic DM either. Fractured tempos, 380,000 riffs per song, nothing less than hyperspeed and endless flourishes and intricacy are the order of the day here.
I’m going to use the J-word here. There is a strong Jazz undercurrent to the bass playing of Jacob Teeple at times – one of the passages on ‘Baroness Part 2’ being a splendid example of this and it adds to the overall, exploratory sound of the band. Protosequence do Tech Death like no other band. Please picture in your minds the appalling and highly illegal sexual deviancy that would occur if The Locust met Dillinger Escape Plan and started bumping uglies while listening to Necrophagist and Cannibal Corpse. THAT’S what Protosequence sound like, except drummer Logan Vars is considerably more unhinged than any of those bands as he flails at his kit with what appears to be MORE ARMS AND LEGS THAN HE WAS INITIALLY EQUIPPED WITH as this is the ONLY explanation as to how he manages to produce the beats he does. One can only assume that his heart has been replaced by some form of tiny nuclear reactor as he plays at speeds that would reduce even the most insane Black Metal drummer to a pool of gently steaming slime within seconds. Guitarist Dylan Parker is another musical arch criminal as he tears sounds out of his guitar that shouldn’t even exist and sends squealing, razor-edged musical declarations of blood-soaked (because the man doesn’t play his instrument, he lacerates his fingers down to the bone on it) war screaming into the uncaring black cosmos with his plank. When we get conquered by slavering, fanged, acid-blooded aliens howling for vengeance in the near future, you know who to blame. You blame Dylan Parker and his fucking moustache for it. Tell them Dark Juan sent you.
I’m not even going to try to describe the horrors of the vocals of Josh Hahn, who appears to be possessed by ALL OF THE DEMONS and whose body and psyche is quite clearly an endless battleground of monsters striving for dominance over what’s left of his psyche. His vocal range is fucking immense for a man who pretty much specializes in gutturals. The deepest pits of hell? The mad bastard is seated upon a throne of wet bones, covered in the viscera of the demons he has just slaughtered there, grinning wildly at your left ear. Because he is mad. Stark, staring mad. The heights of the stratosphere? Yep, Josh the Insane is there too. He’s still grinning but this time he’s at the controls of a heavily armed fighter jet and you WILL be plummeting to your death in a welter of explosives and fiery death. Otherwise, he’s front and centre of the band and can sound like he is vomiting up his own intestines or flaying the skins of every mammal in a five-mile radius simply by screaming. Which he can do frequently and in the same song as his tortured psyche vacillates wildly between barely coherent rage and howling fury. Remember the Aphex Twin video for ‘Come To Daddy’? The bit where the demon is roaring into the face of the poor old dear for what seems like forever? There’s more than one bit of ‘Twelve Ropes’ that reminds Dark Juan uncomfortably of that moment as Hahn holds on to a note, causing utter carnage with his throat at various pitches throughout the song.
Now that that’s out of the way, you can probably tell that Dark Juan is quite the fan of this album.
In fact, it is that good that Dark Juan is QUITE prepared to don a whole cheerleader’s outfit, complete with pom-poms and cute tube socks and create an entire dance routine for Protosequence, and Dylan and his moustache.
There’s been many a meme about seeing bands whose members wear tight (the ones I am talking about are bright red and are easily visible on the band’s Facebook profile pic ) sports shorts or have a guitarist that looks like he belongs in Pulp (as in Jarvis Cocker’s mob of Sheffield oddities) circa 1996, and just KNOWING that you are going to be pulped in the pit they create. I should like to add to that meme by stating that if the guitarist has a fucking moustache, you are all gonna die.
I am utterly spent. Drained. Even Austin Powers would have crashed and burned by now and he has considerably more mojo than Dark Juan. Twins, Basil…
Buy this record or Canada will end up bloodily and mercilessly conquering the world, and I am not prepared to endure poutine and Labatt’s for ANYONE!
Seriously, for the level of destruction and musicianship this four-piece have at their disposal there should be no other bands in existence.
Holy FUCK!
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Le système breveté d’évaluation des éclaboussures de sang Dark Juan, pour nos précieux amis canadiens francophones. Comment diable votre pays, connu dans le monde entier pour la façon dont vous êtes excessivement poli en tant que peuple, a-t-il produit quelque chose d’aussi déséquilibré et clairement dangereux que la Protosequence? Il y a quelque chose qui ne va pas chez vous…) awards Protosequence all the numbers there have ever been/10.
Nuff said.
TRACKLISTING:
01. Sam
02. Baroness Part 1
03. Baroness Part 2
04. Imlerith
05. The Caveat
06. Neither Fair Nor Equal
07. Twelve Ropes
LINE-UP:
Jacob Teeple (madman with more finger than he should legally possess) – Bass
Logan Vars (clearly hails from R’lyeh and is one of the Great Old Ones judging by how many limbs you would need to play like he does. Is obviously not mortal) – Drums
Dylan Parker (The man can wear the FUCK out of a moustache and this makes Dark Juan jealous) – Guitars, Vocals
Josh Hahn (More personalities contained in one body than an entire series of Blankety fucking Blank) – Vocals
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.