Melted Messiah – Some Good Riffs
Melted Messiah – Some Good Riffs
Self-Released
Release Date: 31/03/23
Running Time: 30:01
Review by Dark Juan
9/10
Ah, Scotland. Land of well-muscled chaps winging actual trees about in the name of sport, wild haggis and perpetual supping of Buckfast. And oats. A metric fuckton of oats. Dark Juan is English, by the way, and there is a rich and storied tradition of the Scots (who are generally fine people and friendly as fuck unless you’re in Aberdeen at 8am on the road out to Dundee – this is bitter experience talking) and the English ripping the absolute piss out of each other at any given opportunity. And then immediately teaming up to mock anyone from further south than Stoke-On-Trent if the occasion demands it. These are only tenuous alliances at best. The English regard the Scots as a bunch of skirt wearing jessies who eat grains you normally feed to horses and the Scots regard the English as closeted homosexual Sassenachs who should never venture to Murrayfield if they want the windows of their buses to survive.
Relax. I’m joking. Dark Juan loves everyone. Indeed, King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut was a favourite gig-going destination of the young Dark Juan and that was very famously in Glasgow, and there was a teenage penpal who came from Motherwell, and one of the finest breakfasts I ever had was served to me in Ullapool, when Mrs Dark Juan and I were touring in our van, named Camper Van Beethoven. And I adore Cromarty and the Black Isle. I saw dolphins at Chanonry Point. And they make single malt Scotch whisky too. I actually love Scotland when it isn’t midge season. Although no-one should ever venture near Cumbernauld. Ever.
Now we have got all the pleasantries out of the way, and the obligatory ribbing, I have cast upon the Platter of Splatter ™ another one of our esteemed editor Simon Black’s wild card reviews, this time about Scottish Blackened Doom (there’s so much more to them than this but it is the closest I can get to quantifying their extremely eclectic sound) DIY duo Melted Messiah. Let us see together whether they are worthy of the attention of the English, or whether we should be feverishly reconstructing Hadrian’s Wall to keep the rampaging bastards out…
Well, it turns out that rampaging was exactly the correct word to use. These two nutjobs take genre-bending to extraordinary new heights (or possibly depths – I haven’t quite decided which) and have recorded an album that takes abrasiveness to a frankly uncomfortable extreme. Recorded almost entirely live in Edinburgh, Melted Messiah has unleashed a painfully honest seven tracks of madness upon us all. I will (spoiler alert) tell you now, that they are fucking BRILLIANT!
Remember my enthusiasm for the Punk-edged Sludge fury of Chimpgrinder a while back? And the maddened eclecticism of KENmode? Melted Messiah are a superior version of these – ‘Beers (In The Air)’ amply demonstrating this by snarling at all and sundry, gobbing on Nazis, ramming safety pins through its own nose and roaring at the faithful at a volume that would drown out a Jumbo at full chat, over riffs that Crass and the Anti-Nowhere League would sell their own mothers for, mixed with some serious Sludge chops and a Thrash middle eight. ‘Doom Bingo’ is an amusing little skit before these Scottish reivers crash into some horrendously visceral Sludge called ‘Diznaeland Nightmare Puppy’ about the plight of Eastern European dogs in kill shelters. But then there’s some savage primal Black Metal in the middle of this song delivered at hyperspeed velocity that impressively morphs, and slows down slowly (hahahaha), into Drone magnificence.
This is where the band gets really interesting though, because they hide some serious musicianship behind their false front of serrated riffs and clattering drums – both Jon and Mark are rather more accomplished than they like to let on, I feel. Jon’s drum work is especially good. He’s either a super technical player or he comes from near Scrabster and has more arms than a normal person due to the old nuclear bomber base that was there. Also, and you all know by now just how anal I am about drum sounds, he has a fucking terrific snare sound that’s resonant and satisfying. In fact, the whole production on this record, as lightly produced as it is, is absolutely fucking spot on in all departments and puts many a band who have paid serious wonga to expensive producers to shame. The guitar work of Mark is also very noteworthy – deceptively simple sounding but well capable of sneaking in little Jazz passages within the savagery. ‘Shroom Witch’ follows the same general blueprint – there’s Stoner, Doom, Jazz and Black Metal in this song. All at once.
This is the great strength of Melted Messiah. They are so good they can meld everything together into a coherent whole in a seemingly effortless fashion. The songs feel finished and although musically sparse, they are surprisingly complete entities and never feel forced or contrived, even when transitioning between styles or volumes – ‘Black Agnes’ demonstrates this. The loud/ quiet/ loud dynamic on this song is a joy to listen to and the crashing of every cymbal Jon’s kit has adds a mechanical, dangerous quality to the superior Doom Sludge they are playing at the end of this song.
Let’s sum this magnificent bastard up then – If you dig monolithic riffs that are raw as fuck and have the same shape-changing ability as a metamorph, vocals that are as throat-flayingly savage as a bunch of marauding Vikings in full berserkergangr, and drumming that should not be humanly possible, then boy, do we have a treat for you. Staggeringly raw, monolithically heavy and very self-aware and humorous, Melted Messiah has instantly become my favourite Scottish band.
They are even better than The Proclaimers.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (An siostam splatter fala le peutant Dark Juan airson ar caraidean Albannach aig a bheil Gàidhlig) awards Melted Messiah 9/10 for what Dark Juan regards as an almost perfect record.
TRACKLISTING:
01. Beers (in the Air)
02. Doom Bingo
03. Diznaeland Nightmare Puppy
04. Shroom Witch
05. Black Agnes
06. Fern Fernison 2002
07. Melted Messiah
LINE-UP:
Mark Golder – Guitar, screaming, grunting, vomiting etc.
Jon Holt – Drums
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.
