Scheitan – Songs For The Gothic People
The Circle Music
Release Date: 22.05.24
Running Time: 32:07
Review by Dark Juan
Score: The biggest number in the world plus one /10
It is well known that Dark Juan’s tastes align towards the vampiric and the Gothic. Dark Juan is never happier than when he is clad in fine raiment, seated upon a throne of opulence and splendour, surrounded by the very finest of Renaissance religious art and perusing the writings of the Marquis De Sade whilst sipping the richest of clarets from intricately crafted crystal goblets, eating only the choicest of morsels and being waited upon by the most beautiful people of all genders. Gorgeous young men, and most comely of women here to be at my service, to be gazed upon in wonder at their incomparable loveliness by my eyes alone.
Granted, there is a dark side to this as Dark Juan idly wonders what they would look like with whip welts upon their bare, alabaster skin, and how gorgeous the contrast of their crimson lifeblood would be against their perfect, plump young flesh and how winsome would be their screams and squeals and entreaties for mercy might be while I carved runes and curses in their meat… Seeing how they would cope when they struggle to move because I have attached unsuited limbs to them and how judicious scarring would look on a heart-shaped, innocent face with perfect Cupid’s bow lips and the most innocent, virginal green eyes.
To see angels, earthbound, defiled and bleeding, done by my own hand… Ah, perfection.
I really need to get out more. The beautiful young people of the world really need to feel grateful towards Mrs Dark Juan, for she is the only reason that Dark Juan is not rampaging viciously these days. It is time to distract from Dark Juan’s twisted desire to harm said beautiful young people by playing some music… let us bring out the gorgeously appointed Platter of Splatter™ from its silk-lined alcove and place reverently upon it the latest work from Swedish Gothic Rockers Schietan.
Scheitan were formed in 1996 by main man Pierre Törnkvist and Oskar Karlsson and were originally a full-on Black Metal band but were seduced by the gorgeousness of the Gothic and the band changed because of it. 1999’s release (on Century Media Records) “Nemesis” completed the transition into the realms of Gothic Rock, but Törnkvist maintained the harsh vocals of Black Metal at this time. Upon writing new material for Scheitan, both Törnkvist and Karlsson agreed that the material would not fit into the Scheitan canon and therefore started Helltrain. Hence why “Songs For The Gothic People” is so important as it marks the end of a 24-year hiatus for Scheitan, and one that Dark Juan has been waiting for, for quite some time. Let us don our finest silk and taffeta, take each other’s hands and plunge into what promises to be quite the experience…
The album opens with ‘The Last Time’ opens with electronic piano and drum machines before crashing noisily into some sumptuous guitar work before the mellifluous baritone of Pierre Törnkvist instantly causes the panties of every Goth girl within five hundred yards to spontaneously combust, leaving them both aroused and somewhat confused. The bass work on this song is absolutely thunderous and gives it a bottom end heavier than the entire Warsaw Pact’s female heavyweight weightlifting teams and shot putters combined. Yes, they were all called Olga, apart from one Svetlana. To say this music is sexy is like saying that Dark Juan is somewhat perverted. It is literally seduction in musical form. Even Dark Juan is falling for Törnkvist and his fucking beautiful bastard of a voice and that’s saying something. ‘Hearse’ has a chorus to die for and so much melody it’s in danger of charming Dark Juan out of his pants as well.
This is not music; this is fucking pornography.
This is absolute filth, readers. Dark Juan doesn’t know what to do with himself. ‘Night’ is no better, it drips melody and sexiness and the kind of melancholy that makes you want to find the nearest voluptuous, busty maiden and just sort of burrow in for the winter….
Dark Juan is now dangerously overstimulated, and it is Schietan’s fault.
This album really is something fucking special, all jokes aside. As a modern Goth Rock record, it deserves to be a stone cold classic instantly. It easily stands up against contemporaries such as Naut and Grave Pleasures and it is equally able to go toe-to-toe with the greats. Scheitan would be able to easily stand up to Fields Of The Nephilim, the 69 Eyes and The Jesus And Mary Chain. They are NEARLY as good as the Sisters Of Mercy, and you all should be fucking aware of the singular esteem I hold the Gothfather, Andrew Eldritch in, although I do expect the release schedule of Scheitan to be rather more… productive than Eldritch’s steadfast refusal to move past the 1990s.
Dark Juan’s plan for this evening was to write until bedtime. Scheitan have totally fucked that idea. I can’t write anything else objective after this because everything is going to sound shit after this album. Arseholes… ‘Lost In Time’ is arguably the centrepiece of the album, all sensuous crooning, a chorus that Dark Juan would have given limbs to have written and a driving, insistent tempo that makes even the most uncomfortably-shod Goth girl want to wave her hands around in an ethereal fashion in an approximation of dancing. Even Dark Juan is spasmodically jerking around the lounge, causing Mrs Dark Juan to sigh and decamp for a bath…
It’s no good. Dark Juan is hopelessly in love again. I adore this album. I don’t even care if this is meant to be a critical review anymore. I just want everyone to experience it and I hope that it raises the same feelings in the breasts of my fellow Goffs as it does mine. I love it too much. It has the same magic as the likes of Blutengel and the Sisters, and Bauhaus and The Cure. It is a classic Gothic Rock record.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Det patenterade Dark Juan-systemet för blodstänk. Hej Sverige. Tja, ni har helt jävla med Dark Juans huvud, eller hur, ni stygga skandinaver? Varför släppte du denna fara för äktenskapen på alla västerländska rockerskivor och släppte det här albumet? Ni borde alla skämmas över er själva. Räckte inte ABBA för dig?) has sedated Dark Juan and tied the fucking lovelorn idiot down so he can’t cause any trouble and has taken charge of the situation and awarded Scheitan the biggest number in the world plus one/10. The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System is now beginning to lose focus because of the bewitching power of the band and is beginning to feel like its getting a bit hot in here…
TRACKLISTING:
01. The Last Time
02. Hearse
03. Night
04. Forevermore
05. Lost In Time
06. Believe
07. Live At Dawn
08. Erased
LINE-UP:
Pierre Törnkvist – Vocals, guitars, bass, piano/keyboards & drum programming.
Guest vocals on “Erased” by Lotta Högberg.
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.