Panzerkrieg 666 – Westerweiterung

Panzerkrieg 666 – Westerweiterung
Self-Released
Release Date: 03/05/24
Running Time: 15:45
Review by Dark Juan
Score: 7/10

BIG FUCKING DISCLAIMER BEFORE WANKERS WHO NEVER READ THINGS PROPERLY OR ARE THE KINDS OF FUCKNUGGETS WHO JUST DECIDE THINGS WITHOUT ANY ACTUAL FUCKING EVIDENCE START BASTARD WELL COMPLAINING:

You just know it’s gonna happen…

Before we even begin, let’s get one thing very clear – Panzerkrieg 666 are from Germany and therefore sing in a combination of English and their native language. Just because there are German words and the fact that the band are inspired by the stories of war doesn’t make them a bunch of Nazi scumfuckers. In fact, Panzerkrieg 666 note in their own liner notes in this five-track EP (this is a verbatim quote from the band themselves):

“Panzerkrieg 666 EXPLICITLY notes that we are NOT a Nazi band but are inspired by war and its history.”

 The emphasis is mine on the capitalisation because morons can rarely read properly without having to sound out the words first.

It is well known to all who have the misfortune to regularly read my work that Dark Juan is violently Anti-Fascist and deplores the entire National Socialist Black Metal scene and any form of discrimination based on race full fucking stop and Dark Juan and Ever-Metal.com will never give the pasty-faced masturbatory moustache fuckers even one iota of the oxygen of publicity, mainly because they are a bunch of racist, tiny-dicked impotent arseholes who frankly all need shooting, because they sure as fuck can’t shoot a fucking load themselves unless it’s over their already sticky and damp copy of “Mein Kampf” because they can only get sexually excited by small, podgy Austrian men who wear shorts and knee-length socks and was that much of a waste of oxygen he couldn’t even get into fucking art college. The fucking literal description of untermensch.

Fucking cunts. The whole uniform fetishizing, circle-jerking lot of them. May they all goose-step for eternity on envenomed broken glass and Lego in bare fucking feet and be laughed at by legions of the righteous for ever, because they are a bunch of fucking chumps whose only real use to the world would be if they were fucking rendered down for dog treats. Although I wouldn’t feed my dogs anything that has come from this bunch of diseased syphilitics because dogs have more value than Nazis. As do amoebas. 

Right, that’s took care of that, then.

Sorry it’s not as amusing as usual.

Now you are all reassured about the inclusivity of Dark Juan, I should like to inform you all that the diesel-fuelled, armour-plated Platter of Splatter™ has been deployed and upon it is the third EP from German Black Metal band Panzerkrieg 666, as we are now at war. This three-piece hail from Nordrhine-Westphalia and this represents their first recording with drummer Machine. Who fucking well lives up to his name considering the speed and accuracy of his playing.

The record opens with ‘Satan 2’ which melds the most classic martial Black Metal with some disturbing Trad Metal traits which add depth and balance to a song that owes pretty much all its existence to Marduk at their most militaristic, being speedy, violent and aggressive and played at velocities that match the speeds of screaming of high-explosive tank shells in their terminal phase. 

‘My Uniform’ is the second offering of five and its catchy as fuck for a Black Metal tune. This is not something that you would normally associate with Black Metal as it normally is introspective, bleak and barely listenable. There’s an almost palpable sense of fun going on here, which obviously can’t be the case because they are a Black Metal band and therefore, they aren’t normal people. The song again melds Black and Trad Metal with a bit of Thrash to give the listener an unusual and somewhat unsettling experience as vocalist MvM channels his best Glen Benton and Satyr IN THE SAME SONG, and also gives us possibly the first ever Black Metal song with a danceable chorus. Holy fuck. Now THAT’S original.

‘Wunderwaffe’ returns to a more classic Black Metal blueprint as it subjects the listener to a punishing assault of hyperspeed blastbeats, waspish screaming and throat-destroying grunting, underpinned with sawblade guitar work that slashes at the listener, cleanly eviscerating victims with ease and grace and basically hammering at the senses until the listener capitulates. 

‘Westerweiterung’ (being the title track) forms the centrepiece of the EP, combining the powers of the likes of Dimmu Borgir and Morbid Angel together in a glorious anthem that celebrates the sheer power of Black and Death Metal – a rigorous forced march pace and snarling, primal delivery make for a song that is as brutal as it is entertaining.

The final track, the gloriously titled ‘Panzerkrieg Panzerschlact’ (‘Tank War Tank Battle’ is soooooo much cooler when it is in German and just reaffirms Dark Juan’s long held view that German should be the de facto language of Metal because it is so much groovier than English) sounds just like it should do when it is glorying in such an amazing name. It barks like MG42 machine guns eradicating a bunch of infantrymen. It booms like a 76mm tank gun wiping out fortifications. It grinds and clatters like the steel of Panzer regiment tank tracks advancing over a shell hole-pocked, mud-encrusted battlefield disgorging fiery, high-explosive death across the entire sector.

However, it is a timely record since the world currently seems to be “enjoying” an expansion of war at the moment. The defence companies are certainly celebrating this current instability, but I digress. By writing about war in all its horror and despair, Panzerkrieg 666 remind us of man’s incessant inhumanity to man, be that because of colour, creed, level of wealth or education or even because the aggressor desires lebensraum… A quote once used was “War is Hell”. Dark Juan contends that war is worse because in Hell innocents don’t get maimed or killed.

Anyway, Dark Juan really enjoyed this almost sixteen-minute blast through the wastelands. Panzerkrieg 666 are by no means the most inventive of bands, but what they do, they do fucking well and if you dig the likes of Dissection, Marduk and the sounds of “Equilibrium IX” Emperor, then Dark Juan recommends this unit of German sonic commandoes to your attention.

The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Das patentierte Blutspritzer-Bewertungssystem von Dark Juan. Guten Tag, meine deutschen Freunde! Ich entschuldige mich für die fast fünfhundert Wörter umfassende Schimpftirade zu Beginn dieser Rezension, aber es muss gesagt werden, dass Nazis böse Wichser sind und man sie darauf aufmerksam machen muss) awards Panzerkrieg 666 7/10 for a record that is good, but leaves you feeling a bit empty afterwards.

TRACKLISTING:

01. Satan 2
02. My Uniform
03. Wunderwaffe
04. Westerweiterung
05. Panzerkrieg Panzerschlact

LINE-UP:

MvM – Vocals
HvS – Guitars, Bass
Machine – Drums

LINKS:

Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.