Diceratops – New Life Comes From Fallen Bones
Diceratops – New Life Comes From Fallen Bones
Self-Released
Release Date: 02/06/23
Running Time: 41:24
Review by Dark Juan
9/10
Greetings and salutations from Crow Cottage in the People’s Republic of West Yorkshire, where men are men and women are arguably harder than the men (not unlike Cardiff, Wrexham and Port Talbot in that regard, to be fair. And Gateshead) and one of our denizens once clipped so many coins that he managed to destabilise the whole UK economy. Oh, and we invented guillotines before the French in the form of the Halifax Gibbet, where we chopped off the heads of people who stole cloth from t’mills. We have always had a low tolerance for bullshit and prima donnas.
Which leads us very tidily into the fact that I am listening to an album from one of our own “team” at Ever Metal, being Diceratops, fronted by the preening pretty boy that is the good Rory Bentley. Clad in his ever-present (and quite smelly) black lycra, bright white 80’s Nike basketball boots, bare chested, outlandishly coiffed and festooned in more leather and studs than a Scandi trve Black Metal band, or the BDSM section of a… a “specialist” retailer, a brand of which appears to be placed entirely on the sides of UK trunk roads because they have bought up a load of defunct Little Chefs and you can’t see in the windows of them anymore. He also sings like he has an electrified butt plug jammed tight up his arse and there’s a psychopath (no, not Dark Juan. Dark Juan’s interests are more esoteric, and I’d have had the fucker wired up to a Wärtsilä marine diesel by now) in control of the app that makes it work… Just for shits and giggles, you understand. I do much horrendousness just for the lulz.
In other news, I bought Mrs Dark Juan a cuddly Cthulhu and she has not yet stopped playing with it or hugging it. It goes well with the plush baby Nyarlathotep she already has…
I suppose we had better get this over with and tell about the absolute torture I am subjecting my poor ears to, haven’t I? Spoiler alert, this might get a little uncomfortable.
Diceratops open their account on “New Life Comes From Fallen Bones” with the execrable ‘Azrael’. It starts with much fretboard wankery and then Rory proceeds to instantly cause millions of bats to crash into trees as his high-pitched scream fucks their echolocation completely. Rory Bentley is PERSONALLY responsible for the current threatened status of many species of chauve-souris, and for that fact alone he should be persecuted by every animal rights activist the UK has within it. After he has finished caterwauling in a register that has caused every dog in a half-mile radius to instantly disobey their owner (apart from Hodgson Biological-Warfare. He is asleep and farting the kind of farts that would have the regime in Syria paying Mrs Dark Juan and I millions in untraceable dollars) he then switches to a scratchy howl that has stripped the enamel from Dark Juan’s teeth. This means expensive dental work and a lifelong and bitter hatred.
‘Sauropod’s Waltz’ does actually feature a memorable and intelligent line (remarkably, considering the vocalist) and it is one that cuts deep to Dark Juan’s bone and guarantees Diceratops a negative score because the lyricist is a right cunt (I suspect it is Rory) who clearly knows me too well. This line is:
“When you can’t play the game, you talk shit from the corner instead.”
Fuck right off, Diceratops. You and the Diplodicus your mother rode in on. Dinosaur-bothering twats, the lot of you. Crawl back into your caves in the Cretaceous Era and go and bop potential mates on the head with a club and drag them back for some prehistoric loving. Because that’s the only way you’re getting any. And your drummer sounds like he’s chucking pots and pans down some concrete stairs. You’re nearly as bad as the Hyperactive Metal Pixie™ Rob Sutton’s mob, Thrashatouille. And they sound like a gearbox that is on the point of catastrophic failure as well.
‘Ruins End’ very nearly got a roasting because the intro to it sounded suspiciously like it was going to be a power ballad, all clean chord medleys, and Rory shrieking like he was being aggressively butt-fucked by a train of large and well-endowed gentlemen. Dark Juan had warmed himself up for a full evisceration of this song, and has been grievously disappointed by it, because it has turned into an almost passable Metal song with elements of Tool and Judas Priest in it.
Another clean chord medley begins ‘Frozen Hope’, Rory crooning over it like some kind of wizened old rock fan who was in his thirties in the 80s with a beer belly and an original Kiss t-shirt trying desperately to get into the pants of the hot young Goth Metal chick (THIS IS NOT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL! My t-shirt is from the Graham Bonnet Band) who has just come to dance and not be fucked about with. I will say this about Rory, though. He can hold a note. Not necessarily the right one, but he can hold it so 10/10 for commitment.
Okay, enough of the slagging off now, as fun as it is because Rory is a mate and it’s easy because a) I’m not in a band anymore and Rory can’t get his own back, and b) I am not a complete and total bastard, despite all the evidence to the contrary, because Diceratops (I know I am going to regret this, but what the hell?) are actually pretty fucking amazing. Rory has a great voice, able to majestically soar and scream like an entire host of really fucking irate demons out for your blood, and grunt like your mum being vigorously fucked by an entire rugby squad. They play an extremely engaging amalgam of Trad Metal, Prog Metal and Metalcore with added little bits of many other genres. The musicianship of the whole band (‘Waking The Eye’ has a magical Grungy bassline with guitar work that is almost Synthwave on the intro before breaking into some clean AOR and then a bit of Jazz) is fucking top notch from opening howl to closing overture. In fact, ‘Waking The Eye’ might be my favourite song on here, being as it owes as much to Queensrÿche as it does to Baron Crâne, and the fluidity with which it flows between styles and movements is more than a little impressive to the ears of this Hellpriest.
Album closer ‘Grond’ is a grinding, rock-crushing number with a bit of Groove Metal a la Pantera undercutting the high-pitched Power Metal vocals, apart from the vomitorious grunts after the chorus.
Well then. If you like your vocalists to be the result of an unholy and absolutely depraved coupling between Uncle Geoff Tate and Rob Halford, Diceratops have you covered in a rather lugubrious (and probably warm and sticky, after all, it is Rory) fashion. If you like your Metal in general to be Traditional sounding yet still ultimately challenging, then Diceratops are your guys. If you like your music to sound like the band has had fun playing it, then boy, do we have the band for you…
Even the production is good. The bass is more than sufficiently chonky and the drums all distinct and easy to hear. Rory’s voice is forward in the mix but not annoyingly so (unlike Kory fucking Clarke and Warrior Soul and his one-man ego-show) and the drumming and guitar work are both fucking excellent. Everything on this album is excellent. Even Rory. Yes, I have to concede that he’s a fucking good singer.
This is really annoying.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System is a separate entity and does not subscribe to Dark Juan’s out and out bullying of Diceratops and deplores it mightily. Therefore, Diceratops is awarded 9/10.
TRACKLISTING:
01. Azrael
02. Sauropod’s Waltz
03. Ruins End
04. Frozen Hope
05. Waking The Eye
06. Grond
LINE-UP:
Rory Bentley – Vocals
Andrew Tewkesbury – Guitar
Tony Mills – Bass
Gavin Neale – Drums
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.
