Ape On The Rocket – Faith (single)
Ape On The Rocket – Faith (single)
Self-Released
Release Date: 02/09/22
Running Time: 05:23
Review by Dark Juan
10/10
My dear readers, you catch me in a state of some disapprobation. Poor Mrs Dark Juan has fled upstairs to escape the wrath that (I know I’m not normally allowed to do politics but fuck it, brothers, sisters and siblings of all other genders) Brexit has caused me because it has taken me almost THREE hours to do a job that normally takes fifteen fucking minutes, this being to send a parcel to Ireland. Three hours and a good SEVEN pages of paperwork. To send a present. Fuck the Tories and fuck Brexiteers up their capacious arses with incredibly pointy and unpleasant things that hook on when they try to extract them…
…And this feeds into a new rage. We have received a most polite and pleasant request for a review ever from a lovely gentleman called Sergey, who plays in Kaliningrad-based Ape On The Rocket. As you all are avid geography students, you will of course know that this is an exclave of the Russian Federation, formerly Koenigsberg. It is a matter of considerable courage and fortitude for the band to get this music and viewpoint out to us. This request was very nice to us and made sure that we were aware that the band is pro-Ukraine. Now, this, once upon a time, would not have been a question we would have had to address at Ever-Metal.com and I let it be known here that I, Dark Juan, PERSONALLY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THE RUSSIAN PEOPLE OR THE COUNTRY. It’s just the fucking shitbags in charge of it I have a problem with. It’s a fucking sad indictment of the times we live in that a demented ex-KGB Lieutenant-Colonel named Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin has decided to invade a sovereign nation on his border (and lie about it to the rest of the international community) under the pretext of a “special military operation”. Otherwise known as a fucking invasion, you shit-stirring Soviet dolt, so fuck you and your bloody spluttering moron of a foreign minister (and unofficial basset hound impersonator) Sergei Lavrov crossways. Imagine letting a man who laments the death of the Soviet Union and was once a reasonably high-ranking official in the spy game FOR the Soviet Union and who has decided that he wants the Soviet Union back and doesn’t want NATO on his doorstep (despite the wishes of those nations who wish to join it, because of JUST THE SORT OF ASSFUCKERY RUSSIAN LEADERS ARE ACTUALLY CONDUCTING RIGHT NOW) rule a fairly newly minted democracy.
There may be some editing and re-writes required before this review ever sees the light of day.
So, now we have finished with what the estimable Rory on the team here characterises as “terrifying ranting”, let me guide you through the single (again, not something we at Ever-Metal.com do often, depending on whether it is The Chronicles Of Manimal And Samara asking us personally, or because there are important political considerations at play) from Ape On The Rocket of Kaliningrad, Russia.
An extremely enticing blend of Slipknot, Meshuggah and Necrophagist awaits the intrepid listener, with vocals that surely cannot come from any human throat. High-pitched screaming that would surely flay meat from bones if it had physical form gives way to a fearsome and wide-eyed insane mid-range that is absolutely terrifying. And then the vocalist unleashes a grunt, that although utterly unintelligible, needs a new adjective beyond sepulchral inventing for it. Dark Juan Terrace is in danger of collapsing. The music is also fucking top-notch aural violence, combining microtones, distended harmonics, the kind of chugging normally seen from an NY hardcore band or a large and expensive armoured battlewagon and riffs of such imperial majesty that a number of democracies are teetering on the brink of surrender. Their sound is fucking huge, ladies and germs. Absolutely heavier than the whole Soviet female weightlifting team after a nutritious breakfast of depleted uranium and all the steroids the old Soviet government could stuff down their necks, Ape On The Rocket really are a bit special if you like ultra-technical violence. The band effortlessly mixes Metalcore, very technical Tech Death, Deathcore and a soupçon of Black Metal and it makes for a bruising and vicious listening experience that Dark Juan has enjoyed hugely.
The production of the record is also absolutely fucking massive. A sinister bit of synth underpins a complex intro riff that morphs into a humungous riff of dreams, with a long, drawn-out single note underneath before there’s a massive explosion (mirrored in my pants) and then the song proceeds to go completely batshit, with several different fast-changing movements within. My only problems with the song are a strange echoey quality to the cymbals and drums, and a snare sound that really is reminiscent of someone twatting a certain war-mongering Russian leader’s head with a Gunn and Moore cricket bat, otherwise it’s all a fucking meisterwerk and I love the band to death. As you should, when you hear this song. Go and seek it out, and tell Putin to crawl back up the hole he came out of while you’re at it.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Запатентованная система оценки брызг крови Dark Juan для наших друзей в России. Мы любим вас, но не ваших лидеров!) awards Ape On The Rocket 10/10 for a superb track with many elements to keep the decadent Western capitalist scum interested.
Спасибо, Сергей, Сергей, Алексей, Антон и Лекса, за то, что подарили нам эту музыку, и я надеюсь, что вся эта буря дерьма очень скоро уляжется. Вы друзья Темного Жуана, как и все русские люди.
Слава Україні! Slava Ukraini!
TRACKLISTING:
01. Faith
LINEUP:
Sergey Mikhalyov
Sergey Filimonov
Alexey Garenko
Anton Kryukov
Lexa Shibko
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.
