The Dead Wrongers – Lawnmower Deth – Blunt Cutters
The Dead Wrongers – Lawnmower Deth – Blunt Cutters
Guest Review by Brian Cursed
Hello and good evening!
I’m Brian Cursed and I am delighted to be here. GORDON’S ALIVE, WHAT AN HONOUR! Now you may think that an old thespian fart like me does not belong here, but I FUCKING LOVE HEAVY METAL!
Am I allowed to say “Fuck”?
No? Good. I’m Fucking going to do it anyway…
Anyway, these folks at Ever Metal have asked me for my musings on Lawnmower Deth.
“Who the fuck are Lawnmower Deth?” I said.
“Well, they’re this comedy Punk Metal band from Nottingham”, says they…
“Comedy Punk Metal?”, I said. “ARE YOU TAKING THE FUCKING PISS?” I said. “You know, I’ve recorded with Manowar, I’m from Barnsley in Yorkshire where Saxon come from, that I’ve been on stage at Bloodstock and you know I met Black Sabbath? SO, DEATH TO FALSE METAL!!!!
GORDON’S ALIVE, comedy Punk Metal from Nottingham sounds about as much fun as having a shit in the Arctic with the polar bears, and I should know BECAUSE I’VE BLOODY WELL DONE THAT TOO!
AND I’M A TRAINED ASTRONAUT!
So, anyway, they sent me this CD, because I’m too old to bother with all this streaming big bollocks you see, and do you know what, it’s VERY FUCKING GOOD. You must excuse me though – I do tend to say “Fuck” a lot. The Queen told me that God Rest Her Soul, and she also told me that “Fuck” is an Anglo-Saxon word, it means ‘spreading seed’, she said to me – like I didn’t fucking know that after 50 years at the fucking Royal Shakespeare Company, GORDON’s ALIVE!
I will never fucking finish if I don’t get on to this CD.
Anyway, these Mower chaps have been around for a while, but the lazy buggers haven’t released anything new for 30 years it seems. Or maybe they have, and no-one noticed – like all my fucking fans! “Can you say ‘GORDON’s ALIVE’ for us Brian?” they say, like I’ve not heard that before since 19-FUCKING-80!
Do you know what boys, that’s OK. Writer’s block can be tough as you get older, and there isn’t a fucking little blue pill to fix that problem just yet. Not that I need one! Me?? GORDON’s FUCKING ALIVE, DO I SOUND LIKE I NEED A BLOODY BLUE PILL?
Anyway, Lawnmowers and what not!
Their first song is called ‘Into The Pit’, which made me think of the coal mines near where I grew up, but it’s all about this thing you chaps do at concerts called ‘moshing’. Now moshing always looks like great fun to me, but it seems this lot are all too over the hill to do it anymore, slipping disks and dislocating hips all over the place. FOR FUCK’S SAKE BOYS, STOP BEING SUCH A BUNCH OF WIMPS! If I can climb Mount Everest in my 70’s WHAT’S YOUR FUCKING EXCUSE? GORDON’S ALIVE!
So anyway, I digress. Now then, they’re a bit shouty, these fellows. Now there’s nothing wrong with a bit of shouting my dears, but the whole point of shouting is so that people can hear what you’re fucking saying properly, so ENUNCIATE CLEARLY FOR FUCK’S SAKE, LET’S HAVE A BIT OF DIAPHRAGM ACTION AND PROJECT DARLINGS, PROJECT, OR YOU’LL BUGGER UP YOUR VOICE!
Anyway, I digress – ONWARD, MY BRAVE HAWK MEN!!
So, it’s not a long record, and is over in a flash. Flash? I can do Flash? Why not stick a broom up my arse, AND I’LL CLEAN THE FUCKING STAGE WHILST I ACT ON IT? I’VE BEEN GOOSED!!!!
Anyway, bollocks to geese. I’M A FUCKING HAWKMAN!
These boys clearly don’t like priests very much either and who can fucking blame them? Although what the fuck all this ‘Swarfega’ and ‘Bobblehead’ bollocks all about? SOUNDS LIKE A WANKING MACHINE!
So, these songs are all nice and short, shouty and a bit of fun and like our current useless fucking Prime Ministers don’t hang around for very long. We all need a bit of fun and these silly bastards deliver it, although that singer – crikey – that one’s got a tile missing! OH CALAMITY! OH HOWL, HOWL, HOWL!! BLBLBLBLBLB!!
Anyway, I do rather like these silly bastards. But, my dears. What’s all this “Cob” nonsense. Silly Midlanders, I’m from Yorkshire, so it’s either a bread-cake, tea-cake or a scuffler. Not a fucking COB! GORDON’S ALIVE!!
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my thoughts on these wonderful chaps. Now you must excuse me, but I need to flatten that stupid Russian bastard Flabbymoobs Poo-Tin at judo, THE GREAT STEAMING PILLOCK!!! CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!
Yours, Brian.
Now fuck off.
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