Cold In Berlin – The Body Is The Wound (EP)
Cold In Berlin – The Body Is The Wound (EP)
New Heavy Sounds
Release Date: 19/01/24
Running Time: 18:54
Review by Dark Juan
9/10
Greetings and salutations, readers and people who just like to scoff at these attempts at serious journalism that are prey to my fevered imagination. I am Dark Juan, and I am seated upon my throne, created from the dried and shaped bones of my enemies, sipping the richest claret from a delicate goblet of the most intricate spun gold and the finest of hand-blown glass. I am clad in my most ornate Invocation Robes and am being fed morsels of sheer delight by my scantily clad harem of goth girls and redheads. It is a fine life, being the High Priest of Extremity. My every desire is catered for, and I have a dedicated following of worthy souls who hang off my every venom-dripping word…
I am actually sat on my fat arse in Crow Cottage on my sofa with the comfortable buttock crevices (they are like two poorly parked Volkswagens) wearing combat pants and the world’s most warm and comfortable oodie. I have a mug of tea (as I have sworn off alcohol for a bit in order to try to divest myself of the somewhat expanded midsection I have acquired over the festive season and because I am not getting any fucking younger, which is a travesty. I know. I am sober. I haven’t been sober since about 1993) in a giant mug that instantly raises the ire of Mrs Dark Juan, every time she claps eyes on it. Naturally, being a supportive and kind partner, I am drinking gallons of tea out of it for sheer amusement value.
None of this has any bearing whatsoever on what I am actually doing, which is abusing the famous and mighty Platter of Splatter™ egregiously with the latest release from London Gothic Doomsters Cold In Berlin. Is it really cold in Berlin or are they giving Dark Juan a warm and fuzzy feeling inside? Let us plunge headfirst into this four-track EP…
It opens with current single ‘Dream One’, which has a harsh, alarm-like electronic introduction – the sound that starships make when they are closing massive blast doors because of a hull breach with the highly distinctive voice of Maya Berlin soaring effortlessly over it until the heaviest of fuzzy guitars crash catastrophically into the cognition of the poor, unsuspecting listener and reduce them to their component parts in short, effortless order. ‘Dream One’ is a hell of an inventive song – it seamlessly melds the most cataclysmic of Doom riffs with the volatile sensuality of Gothic Rock and the impersonal battering of Industrial electronics and it does it with as much style as a fucking catwalk show in Milan. Not Berlin. Because it is cold in Berlin. This song is absolute fucking gold and if you could get Green Lung, They Watch Us From The Moon and Cold In Berlin on the same bill, Dark Juan would explode in pure, orgasmic joy. And shower the rest of the crowd with viscera. Oh well, class it as the Yorkshire version of the iconic bloodbath nightclub scene in Blade. Which, incidentally, (and this is one of the best fucking segues I have ever written, so bow before me, peasants) would have been admirably served by the much more Gothic than Doomy ‘Found Out’, where Maya channels her inner Siouxsie to absolutely devastating effect (to what’s left of the nervous system of this Hellpriest, anyway) and opens her lungs in the kind of edge-of-sanity howl that the Banshees goddess of Goth did so expertly.
On ‘Spotlight’, the band dial down the silk gowns and spike heels in favour of Doom muscularity, and it is this song that, for the first time in my listening for quite some time, a band actually has a resonant and thrilling bass drum rather than something that sounds like a wet blanket being hit with a semi-rotten blobfish. The fucking chorus is crushing. If you have ever wondered what having a mountain dropped on you feels like, listen to ‘Spotlight’ and you’ll have an idea. Dark Juan likes this song – It’s as if Blackwulf and early Anathema combined themselves into some kind of chimera and then went to conquer new lands, but then found them all a bit dreary and miserable. Album closer ‘When Did You See Her Last’ drags the taffeta frock out of the cupboard again but sticks on a pair of paratrooper boots to wear with it as it vacillates between wispy, vulnerable Gothic wafting and kicking the living shit out of you with some tumultuous guitar work. Maya’s vocals are on point here as well as she wails and howls on the ragged edge of control of her voice, and it is this dangerous feeling, knife-edge quality that makes her such a magnificent vocalist. The rest of the band are also frighteningly committed in their performances – their concentrated, powerful playing adding to the overall feel of the record in no small measure. The bass is thick and powerful, the guitars fuzzy and massive and the drumming excellent. I love the drum sound on this EP. It’s fucking perfect and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. The synths on this record are masterfully placed in the mix, they are loud enough to enhance and charm, but not overpoweringly so. They swoop and waft beneath the surface like primordial fish in the water below a layer of millennia-old sheet ice – fleeting flashes of silver and grey in the inky blackness of an ocean that hasn’t seen light for thousands of years.
Yes, this musical confection called Cold In Berlin is very much to the taste of Dark Juan. Moments of Gothic beauty and raw, open wound sensuality collide with meteor-sized chunks of the heaviest of Metal, and this is all tied together with the slaughterhouse meatiness of Doom. It’s a brew I haven’t imbibed since the likes of The Blood Divine and early Anathema. It appears I have missed it terribly. It appears that the Italian Goddess of Goth that is Cristina Scabbia has a new pretender to her throne in Maya Berlin, and Dark Juan is happy to offer his fancy to Maya as a knight in her service. Now I need to learn to ride a fucking horse. I’ll give my friend Michelle a bell and see whether she will lend me a horse. Do you think I should ask for a destrier or a charger? What about a Percheron? A courser? A rouncey? Perhaps I can raise a cavalry corps!
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System has forcibly taken the computer from Dark Juan because he has gone off-piste again and frankly, we need some fucking professionalism here and let’s face it, he’s not going to do it, is he? Cold In Berlin are awarded 9/10 for a perfect EP that has sent Dark Juan into paroxysms of pleasure (he’s currently rolling around on the floor purring, the weird fucker). One mark was deducted because this EP is not an album and Dark Juan is salivating at the thought of a full long player. However, the band have promised a full album later in 2024 and Dark Juan is already professing undying love for Cold In Berlin… Hurry up about it so the Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System can pacify the lovelorn fucker!
TRACKLISTING:
01. Dream One
02. Found Out
03. Spotlight
04. When Did You See Her Last
LINE-UP:
Adam Berlin – Guitar
Maya Berlin – Vocals
Alex Howson – Drums
Lawrence Wakefield – Bass
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of said party. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.
