Lesbian Bed Death – Midnight Lust
Lesbian Bed Death – Midnight Lust
Wormholedeath Records
Release Date: 01/03/24
Running Time: 48:15
Review by Dark Juan
Score: 8/10
Ready for more over-caffeinated frothing from someone who really should fucking well know better than to mess with his already worrying mental state with chemicals? I am Dark Juan, and I am a maker of worse choices than, well Mrs Dark Juan, really, who could have had her pick of doctors, sportsmen and generally useful members of society, but then decided to plump for a low-level functionary in feminine hygiene (as I was at the time). Still, she appears to enjoy a challenge, does MDJ, and she has turned me into a looney lefty liberal republican with a responsible job and career prospects. Truly, she is a witch…
I am on my second pint of coffee, and therefore have absolutely no control over where this piece of writing is going. I suggest you all find something to hold on to because it could get a little bumpy along the way.
As I am spasmodically jerking all over the fucking place, I have decided to eschew any Post-Metal or Drone in favour of something a little more upbeat as you lot really don’t need to be reading 3000-word plus treatises on the similarity of the music to the soulless buzzing of fluorescent lighting in dirty and curiously empty office blocks, and I am fairly sure you would rather be entertained by my ruminations on something that has a sense of fun behind it. Hence why we are currently listening to Stoke-On-Trent’s own Lesbian Bed Death, a band I chose to review ENTIRELY because of their name. Their “Midnight Lust” album has been slung unceremoniously upon the black-painted Platter of Splatter™ and it is spinning merrily.
LBD are described as a mix of Metal, Punk and Goth. Dark Juan is in general agreement, but the Metal in question is backcombed hair and ozone layer threatening levels of hairspray 80s tinged Glam, all huge riffs, equally massive choruses, lush backing vocals, tight ass leather trousers and revolving drumkits. This is not a criticism. Metal these days takes itself far too seriously and has forgotten that quite a lot of it over the years has been written about drinking (Tankard having made a career out of it), other less legal party treats and fucking lots of people, and the subsequent aftermath when said recipients of penis were not as… concerned with their nether regions being as fragrant and polished as they might have been before dancing the mattress polka.
Well, it is now clear that Stoke-On-Trent (being a famously grim conurbation in Staffordshire in the UK) has one more attraction besides the A500 out of it and Omnibael/ Omnibadger (depending on which name Jase Kester is using this week) in Lesbian Bed Death. It should be said, however, that you must take LBD on their own terms – if you are expecting some kind of life changing, intelligently worded treatise on the state of humanity, you aren’t getting it – instead you’re getting three girls and a guy gleefully chanting ‘Satanic Suicide Sex Cult’ at you over heavily produced 1980s Mick Mars guitar riffs. It is not made clear whether the band are the Satanic suicide sex cult in question. If they are then Dark Juan has suddenly become a very big fan indeed and will be rushing to the next invocation ceremony. If they aren’t, I will be referring them to Staffordshire Constabulary.
Joking aside, though, this band have successfully brought back a whole sound that Dark Juan had forgotten about – a hyper-clean, super-crunchy, easily listenable Stateside sound that was employed by everyone from Bon Jovi to Whitesnake to Motley Crue to Femme Fatale to Vixen to W.A.S.P. from 1986-1990, when Metal made its grab for the mainstream, and the epicentre of Metal was Los Angeles and Bill Gazzarri’s joint and the Whiskey-A-Go-Go were the places to be seen. Young female flesh and debauchery were the currency of the day and sleaziness the default position of the bands. As this was the formative era of Dark Juan’s ear for music, there is an immediate nostalgic quality to the music on this album. Everything is perfectly produced on it – the vocals are all perfectly placed within the mix, the drums sound vital and rich instead of like a demented woman bashing on upturned plastic buckets while chucking cutlery down some stone stairs, and the bass sits exactly where it needs to also, being easily audible and growling with subdued menace below the, as previously stated, heavily produced and meticulous guitars. There are oodles of skin-peeling solos, a surfeit of “Woah-oh-ohs”, much Metal posturing and basically a fucking good time to be had by all.
It’s very hard to be critical of a band such as Lesbian Bed Death because they aren’t trying to do anything except provide the soundtrack to enjoyment. They aren’t aiming criticism or parody at the higher echelons of Government or pledging allegiance to anything apart from the riff, and it is easy to imagine all the members of the band grinning stupidly at each other on stage while they play to increasingly enthusiastic audiences. They have a peach of a frontwoman in JJ too, her voice easily able to command interest in the lyrics and songs – she is at her best when she’s hammering out songs rather than crooning, though. She can belt out a high note with the best of them. Put her and Lisa Mann together and you’d have a duet for the ages.
Lyric-wise, Lesbian Bed Death are cheerfully and irreverently silly, yet beneath the clowning is a bunch of sharp lyricists and their songs are all well-crafted pieces of Metal madness. ‘Your Love Makes Everything Worse’ reminded Dark Juan of Welsh wonder, and all round bloody good egg Beth Blade and The Beautiful Disasters, with its Hard Rock chorus and general Kiss worship running throughout the song.
Yeah, this record is feelgood Metal of the highest calibre. The blurb says they have a Gothic component, but this is buried somewhat under cartoonish theatrics or mashing together Twisted Sister riffs and lyrics lifted wholesale from Shaun Hutson’s bloodier moments.
Hang on.
Imagine Garth Marenghi writing Metal songs. THAT’s Lesbian Bed Death, and that’s what makes them so fucking great in the mind of Dark Juan.
I mean, if I were to be completely critical, I’d say that Lesbian Bed Death are entirely derivative and hark back to a time when Metal was known for excess, dayglo pink guitars, drug and alchohol related deaths, internecine inter-band warfare and absolutely shocking levels of misogyny and objectification of women, but that is to wholly miss the point of this band. If you are a fan of Beth Blade, and Haxan and classic 80s Glam Metal, you are going to fucking love this band. Dark Juan does.
Now, Lesbian Bed Death… What about this Satanic suicide sex cult? Dark Juan is a High Priest of Satanic Debauchery and might have a thing or two to show you…
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (there’s no translation for this being as the band are English, but from Staffordshire, so just say “ducks” at the end of any sentence when you are addressing anyone, and you’ll be reet) has thoroughly enjoyed LBD and their brand of retro-Stateside silliness and awards them 8/10 for a great, fun party record that doesn’t try to have a message beyond, “Hey! I’ve just had a great idea!”
“Amazing! What is it?”
“To drink that!”
TRACKLISTING:
01. Maria
02. Roadkill
03. Satanic Suicide Sex Cult
04. Your Love Makes Everything Worse
05. The Antichrist
06. She Loves Lilith
07. The Mummy’s Tomb
08. Reykjavik Nights
09. Feral Eyes
10. The Woman Who Drinks Tears
11. Rhythm Of The Kill
12. Art Of Terror
13. Horrors of the Crown Hotel
LINE-UP:
Dan Peach – Rhythm Guitar
Aimee Violet – Drums
Leisl Heath – Bass
JJ – Vocals
Steve Lethal – Lead guitars, synths and additional rhythm guitars
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of said party. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.
