The Gates – …Of The River Styx
The Gates – …Of the River Styx
Northern Silence Productions
Release Date: 04/10/24
Running Time: 30:37
Review by Dark Juan
Score: 9/10
Greetings, my friends from around the world! But probably not Russia because their leader is an absolute wankspangle and they get years in prison for reading anything that their proto-Soviet version of the “Größter Feldherr aller Zeiten” thinks doesn’t show him sufficient respect. Perhaps if he didn’t go around, you know, like invading other countries and behaved like a human being with tolerance and respect instead of being a warmongering twatwaffle, he might find he has more respect and doesn’t end up with his armed forces having their arses handed to them by a military a third its size.
Anyway, one hopes that he gets his comeuppance soon. I have just come back from Therapeutic Crisis Intervention training and feel the need to vent because it is a frustrating thing I have to do every six months because of… rules. Now, Dark Juan has a relaxed attitude to rules at best, but in my line of work a rigid and inflexible approach is the only sane path. Let’s just say that having a rigid structure is relaxing for me because my neurodiversity can handle that readily and takes away some of the stress of having to put on my game face in order to function in an environment that puts me in situations with people. I do better without people. Apart from Mrs Dark Juan, anyway.
Neurodiversity can be a bitch, but it does have its advantages. I mean my tunnel vision when I am focused on something I enjoy is somewhat terrifying to behold. It’s just a shame that it rarely is something fucking useful, you know? Although I count writing these words and the half-million others I have written useful and productive work. Mrs Dark Juan counts it as a hobby…
However, we are here to critically analyse and audit what is currently corrupting the esteemed Platter of Splatter™. Today, we have ventured to a dark and dank corner of Canada, and are listening to Occult Rockers, The Gates. This band, being a duo composed of a giant eyeball on a human body and a faceless man in an M1916 model stalhlhelm and a chainmail hood, and this is important, HAS NO FACE, claim to be (I have no idea what kind of esoteric language they speak being as they are clearly not human, so the PR guy must have had a fucking nightmare trying to understand them) influenced heavily by Australian Occult Rockers/ Magick Metallers Black Magick SS. I can see this pretty clearly, although Galigula uses a Black Metal vocal style (scratchy, high pitched screaming) some of the time as well as a gut-churning grunt but alternates this with a deep bass croon. This dynamic works sometimes. At other times it can be a bit distracting, especially as the music of The Gates is really rather melodic and seems to operate in the same musical spectrum as the likes of Vexing Hex and the grandaddies of faux-Satanism and upsetting Metal fans by actually playing their instruments and singing instead of destroying them and howling, Ghost.
Yes, I have mentioned Ghost. However, that is not the be all and end all of the influences at work in The Gates’s music. There is a major Deathrock/ Post-Punk and Gothic Rock component to their work that (mainly because Dark Juan is a Sad Old Goff) hits Dark Juan right in the guts and doesn’t stop punching. Take ‘Turbo Magic Cult’ as an example – the vocals are hilariously histrionic and the music very Gothic (but played rather more speedily than you might expect). There’s also a strong synthesiser addiction going on. They are used to create atmosphere and function as the lynchpin of the music (‘Watchers of the Night Sky’) which adds hitherto unexplored dimensions to what is some pretty tasty, Psychedelic influenced Melodic Metal.
The pair of nutjobs who have come up with this platter of madness have stated (probably in some ancient Aramaic language for all I know) that their music has now incorporated 80’s Synth work and Disco. It’s a weird concoction, but Dark Juan likes it – not least for the out and out Aunty Bob Smith and The Cure worship going on in the chorus of album closer ‘Blind Descent’, despite the roots of The Gates being in Occult Rock and Black Metal.
So, yeah, if you like Psychedelic, ever shifting music that draws from a shitload of very disparate influences and has no fear about bunging in a fucking GROOVY bassline or synth passage on a song that was previously hammering its way over a staccato metal riff with added visceral howling and has a deep seated, irreverent sense of humour that echoes that of Ghost and Dead Coyote, then The Gates might well be for you.
I’m still concerned about King Baal’s head being a giant fucking eyeball though. It sets my brain working. How does he (it) take sustenance? How does he keep it moist? How could he have his vision corrected, if required? Do his elbows double as ears like a spider’s? Just WHY?
It’s absolutely fucking hilarious, this record. Everything from the purple amphibian (I am not going down the road of speculation as to whether it is a frog or a toad. I value what is left of my sanity too much and it is already precarious after being seduced by a giant eyeball and chainmail hood framing a black expanse where a face should be) on the cover of the record, to the White Zombie-esque technicolour of the art, to the tongue-in-cheek giggling and silliness of the lyrics (’Disco Mefisto’) to the fact that they have created something of considerable majesty out of being a pair of very silly people, The Gates hit EVERY SINGLE point of entertainment that Dark Juan desires. It’s so nice to have a band not take themselves incredibly seriously. One does get bored of dourness and people shrieking about how they/ others/ the world have been wounded.
Also, on ‘Bufometh’ Galigula alternates between sounding like he is trying to vomit after sucking in a lungful of helium and the kind of Gothic pomposity that The Damned employed when they abandoned Punk for Batcave. It’s fucking brilliant, especially when you have got over the dichotomy of gruff, extreme vocals over melodic, tuneful music.
Dark Juan is officially a fan. “…Of the River Styx” is what used to be described as a joyous romp, and Mrs Dark Juan is now looking worriedly at your good correspondent because he’s just asked her whether she wants a romp while we listen to The Gates.
Oh.
Wait.
She left.
The Patented Dark Juan Blood Splat Rating System (Le système breveté d’évaluation des éclaboussures de sang Dark Juan pour nos amis canadiens francophones. Sérieusement, qu’est-ce qui ne va pas chez vous ? Vous nous offrez un death metal technique écrasant sous la forme de Protosequence, et pourtant cette… cette… folie se cache juste sous la surface? C’est encore une preuve supplémentaire pour Dark Juan que vous êtes tous dangereusement déséquilibrés et que la fameuse politesse dont vous faites preuve en tant que peuple n’est qu’une façade pour montrer qu’en réalité vous n’êtes qu’une bande de mégalomanes meurtriers…
Et aussi de la poutine. Pourquoi?) awards this pair of clearly insane Canadians/ creatures from another dimension/ demons/ very silly boys 9/10 for a record that has royally entertained Dark Juan like few records have. I have deducted a mark because Dark Juan is concerned that the silliness might turn a few people off. I mean, you have to be in on the joke in order to fully appreciate it, and the casual listener or Metal neophyte might not get it. This is a very minor niggle, though.
TRACKLISTING:
01. Intro
02. Alone
03. Disco Mefisto
04. Bufometh
05. Stygian Hell
06. When the Lights No Longer Shine
07. Turbo Magick Cult
08. Watchers of the Night Sky
09. Blind Descent
LINE-UP:
Galigula – Vocals
King Baal – Instruments
LINKS:
Disclaimer: This review is solely the property of Dark Juan and Ever Metal. It is strictly forbidden to copy any part of this review, unless you have the strict permission of both parties. Failure to adhere to this will be treated as plagiarism and will be reported to the relevant authorities.